This entry is for the Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge for the month of January.
Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?
It’s taken me a few days to figure out how to answer this question. More likely, not “how to” answer it, but examine what it means and what does repel me or what I dislike about what I see about submission in myself and others…What kind of slave do I want to be? Not a mindless automat without a brain and a mind of her own.
I see some girls in SL have a mindless demeanor and act as if they have no will or mind of their own. While it may be fine in the Gor setting, it is very annoying as a BDSM slave to be compared to a Gorean Kajira and told I am less than the other girls who are Kajira and looked down on by hearing the words, “You are a Princess Kajira without a slaves heart.” For some reason people in SL can’t separate the two types of slaves…..the role play slave and the BDSM/Gor RL slave. It annoys me to see a mindless automat sit back and take abuse from the one she is supposed to be able to trust with her life. What I think annoys me about this is, that even though it is SL, the life of a slave is a hard one…you have to trust your Master beyond anything or anyone you have ever trusted before. Even in SL this is important. It drives me to distraction when I witness a friend go through an abusive situation (non consensual to be specific) and think they are less than what they are. They are their Master’s treasure but some of them treat their slaves like so much dirt under their feet. This is what annoys me the most about submission….the people who play with it, don’t take it as a serious commitment and are just wannabes as a result.
There was a time when I was very curious about BDSM and my own urges. When I was so curious that I went to as many BDSM places in SL that I could find when I first joined the game. And where I found myself in some very tight and hard places to be in. There was a time when I only thought of it as a game too. Where I thought that the submission was just a roleplay and didn’t understand that it was real. I had to be hurt….and hurt bad….before I realized it wasn’t a game. For a time there, I even tried to walk away from my submission. I tried to deny to myself that I was a slave or a submissive and that I needed to be guided back. When I went back to exploring it in myself, I got in a bad relationship which ended very badly. After I left that relationship, I went to Master, who at that time was just a friend, and asked for help and protection as a lost slave. We have been together since. We’re working on our second year together.
It’s taken me a long time to learn to trust again. Some days, I trust blindly, other days I have to stop myself and remind myself that I can trust Master no matter what. Master says this is because I have been hurt so badly in my past that I have to be “handled” a certain way. It took me a year to send Him a nude of myself. It took me a little longer to sing to Him and that had to be in a task. It is a sign of how far I came that I did the song. I didn’t want to do the song, but I did it because Master said “do it.” I listened to and learned the song because He wanted me to do so. That is a sign of how far I’ve come. A few years ago, I would have blown it all off.
Each day is a new day. Each day I learn something new and I come a little further, but there are times when I feel myself sliding backwards and balking at things and duties assigned. Some days I am into everything…other days, I’m good and don’t have much going on. Today, I’m grounded again because I broke my collar. I didn’t just “break” it, I REALLY broke it. I broke it so bad that I got a flood of messages saying I broke it! These days are frustrating to me because I try so hard to be good, then something always goes wrong. But even though I am frustrated with myself for breaking my collar again, I never questioned my submission…every time I get in trouble or Master shows me His dominance, I haven’t ever questioned myself as His girl.
